The Meaning of Regret
by MelpomeneTears
Summary: Tiamat teaches Fenris the real meaning of regret.


She awoke, the bed beside her empty, jerking upright, she saw him standing in front of the fire, staring into the flames as they licked upwards. Even with a sinking feeling she tried to keep it light, "That bad?"

He spun, clearly surprised to hear her voice, "No, it was fine."

She gritted her teeth and pushed herself out of the bed. She pulled a robe over her golden skin. "Fine?"

Fenris blinked at her, surprised at the vehemence of her anger. "No, that is…inadequate."

"Oh, don't bother."

"Tiamat…"

"Get out." She crossed to the door and pulled it open.

"Let me…"

"Out." She held the door waiting for him to leave.

He hesitated, "I'm sorry."

She sneered, "No you aren't, but you will be."

Fenris strode from the room and she slammed the door behind him. Three and a half years, she had played his stupid game. Two steps forward and three steps back, she had danced with him. Doing everything she could to show him how she felt, how she cared for him.

He came to her after the incident with Hadriana. She should have listened to her gut, a small voice had warned her that he was looking to be consoled, but she had been so blinded by her love for him she had let him in.

Her heart had felt near to bursting as he kissed her and held her. Her skin had ached to be touched, she had waited so long for him, she had thought this time, this time it would be different. He had played her for a fool, taken what he wanted and was ready to leave before dawn even crested on the horizon.

She paced in her room, fuming, how could she be so stupid again? Why did she always fall for men that were incapable of love? And this time with a man, who hated mages to begin with, it was like she looked for pain. How many scars would her heart need to bear before she learned her lesson. Oh, but she wouldn't pine this time.

No, she was tired of being the poor, stupid, broken hearted girl. She was tired of forgiving and forgetting, she had, had enough. When she was done he would wish he never had met her. This time she'd inflict a little pain of her own.

She pulled on a pair of socks and her favorite boots and tied her hair back quickly. Running down the stairs she made sure he was gone before she moved into the basement and slipped out the door into Darktown.

The lantern above Anders' clinic was out but she crept inside without a problem, he had given her a key months ago. She lit a small wisp above her head, keeping it as dim as possible, just enough to light her way. She moved through another doorway, into a small room in the back of the clinic.

Anders was fast asleep; she felt a momentary pang of guilt as she watched him sleep. He looked so haggard, so worn. Taking a deep breath she crossed the room and dropped to her knees beside his cot. "Anders" she whispered and pressed a light kiss to his lips.

She fell backwards as his eyes flew open and his hand shot out gripping her wrist. The electric blue eyes scanned her over, his hand an iron claw clamped around her wrist. He seemed to deem her not a threat and let her go.

"Tia, what are you doing here at this hour?" Anders moved from the cot, kneeling down and took her wrist gently, already healing her bruised skin.

"I…" she paused, Justice had been an unwanted reminder of the dangerous game she was playing, but she had, had enough of being hurt. There were only two types of people in the world, those who hurt others and those who got hurt. She swallowed and looked into Anders' eyes. "I came to see you."

He raised a brow, "It couldn't wait till morning?"

She ran her fingers across the bare flesh of his chest. He shuddered at the touch, "No." she said quietly.

Anders pulled away from her and stood up. "I think you should leave."

She stood up and moved close to him, "I don't want to." She trailed her fingers down the hard planes of his abdomen this time, her fingers grazing along the top of his trousers.

Anders scowled, "I can smell him on you, Tia. You reek of sex and that damn elf. You came crawling down here looking for what? Another round? I'm sorry he didn't satisfy you, but I'm not interested in his scraps."

She hung her head and made her voice small, almost a whisper. "I made a mistake, Anders. You were right, I should have chosen you. I had hoped…but it's too late. I'm sorry." She turned and walked back towards the door. She couldn't help but cross her fingers hoping she had played the right cards.

As the door was about to shut behind her she heard him moving, "Tia, wait."

She paused, turning a weak and hopeful smile to him.

He sighed and sat down on the cot, he pulled his boots on and grabbed a tunic from the trunk at the end of the cot, pulling it over his head. "I'll walk you back."

She let her face show a bit of disappointment but she kept quiet. He grabbed his staff and led her from his room and across the clinic. Once they left the little clinic she showed him the door leading to the basement of her estate.

"I had forgotten it was here." He turned and looked back to his clinic, "You're almost literally living on top of me."

She gave him a small smile, "It makes me feel better to know you're close."

Anders' lips twitched but he kept a straight face, "Well come on, let's get you back home."

As they exited the basement and entered the main part of the house he turned to leave.

"Wait."

"What?"

"Can you stay, at least for tonight. Fenris and I fought and I'm worried he might come back."

"Tia, you can best him, you're a mage."

"What if I fall asleep?" she watched him, saw him warring with himself. She had a feeling it was Justice more than anything that made him stay.

"Alright, I'll stay till morning, then you're on your own."

She nodded, "Of course."

He settled into a chair next to her bed once she was safely tucked under the covers.

"Thank you Anders, I know I have no right to ask you this, please know I appreciate it."

Anders grunted, but she saw that he was relaxing a bit, was a little less on guard.

The next morning there was a loud pounding on the bedroom door. Anders looked questioningly to Tiamat.

"Can you get it? I'm in my night clothes."

Anders pushed himself to his feet, the set of his shoulders telling her he was readying himself for a fight. She saw an odd pale yellow light shimmer over him that she had never seen before just before he pulled the door open.

"What the Fade, what are you doing here mage?" Fenris spit out the words.

Anders raised a brow and asked calmly, "Do you mean myself, or Tiamat?"

Fenris pushed the door the rest of the way open and took in the sight of Tiamat on the bed, still under the covers and Anders' rumpled appearance. Turning back to Anders he shoved Anders against the wall, Anders grabbed his arm and pulled it away before shoving Fenris, making him stumble backwards several feet.

Fenris was momentarily shocked, as was Tiamat. Then Fenris' face turned blood red and raised his hand, letting it phase as he advanced on Anders again. A small blue circle appeared in front of Anders covering just his chest area; it was very dark in color. Fenris' hand stopped when it met the barrier.

Suddenly, Fenris went flying backwards as the blue circle seemed to burst out towards him. Anders stalked towards Fenris, a snarl on his lips.

Tiamat swallowed hard, where had Anders learned those spells, just what was he doing? She was worried he would kill Fenris. "Fenris, maybe you should leave. You're really not welcome here anymore."

Anders paused and looked to Tiamat, then moved out of Fenris' way.

"This isn't over, mage." He hissed as he left the room with a slight limp.

"I'm looking forward to it, elf." He closed the door behind Fenris. "I'll wait a while, but then I really need to get back to my clinic."

"Anders, what did you do?"

"I protected you, like you asked." His face was carefully blank.

"But where did you learn?" she gestured vaguely in the air not sure what to call what he had done.

He gave her a small smile, "A man has to have some secrets."

"Could you teach me?"

He shook his head, "I can't see that you would have much use for them being a force mage and all. Besides, I'm a terrible teacher."

Anders would speak no more about it and an hour later they said their goodbye's as he headed back to his clinic through the basement.

She spent the next week telling all of their friends about what had happened between Fenris and Anders. Anders was uncomfortable with the sudden attention and often demurred stating that Tiamat could take care of herself. Fenris found himself a sudden pariah.

Aveline couldn't even stand to be in the same room as him, she glared daggers at him anytime their paths crossed. Even Isabela was too busy for him now, and no one was interested in his side of what had happened between him and Tiamat.

It wasn't long before he was forced from the mansion without Aveline's influence and Isabela's contacts to protect him. He stayed transient after leaving the mansion, rotating between abandoned warehouses at the docks. He had travelled light for years so keeping his few belongings with him was no trial.

Tia was very smart. She still took him with her on jobs; she just always made sure that Anders was also with her. It made her look not only magnanimous, but still fearful as well. He had never hurt her, never would, but no one believed it at all.

No matter how many times he tried to speak with her to explain what had happened that night he was always cut off by Anders, who had become Tiamat's faithful watchdog.

Fenris had been genuinely surprised when Tiamat had agreed to go with him to see Varania. Not even Anders had argued about it. They set out for the Hanged Man that very afternoon. Fenris had been thankful to have her there; she had figured out that it was a trap before Fenris even had an inkling.

She had killed Danarius herself and Fenris was torn between anger and relief. He had wanted Danarius dead, with Danarius dead he could be free, the cloud over his head might finally dissipate, he but couldn't help but wish he had been able to do it for himself.

He had killed the back stabbing bitch Varania without a second thought. With her death everything came crashing down on him. He felt so alone, he was alone. He voiced it, some small part of him hoping Tiamat would relent, they were friends, weren't they? "I am truly alone."

She had given him a small smile, "Yes, you are."

She had left the Hanged Man without waiting for any of them. Anders, Fenris and Varric all stood staring at the door in shock.

"I…I have to get out of here." Fenris left the tavern.

Anders looked at Varric, "I should check on her."

Varric nodded, still looking stunned.

Anders headed to her estate in Hightown, when she wasn't there he decided he was tired of getting between her and Fenris and left to go back to his clinic.

Fenris walked dejectedly up the stairs and to a small closet he was currently using to sleep in at night. When he opened the door Tiamat was sitting on his bedroll, a grotesque smile was plastered on her face.

"So, what does it feel like Fenris?"

"What?" he asked, too tired for her games.

"You have nothing. No family, no friends, no home, not even an enemy. I wondered what it felt like."

"So you can gloat? Maker take you, Hawke."

"Don't be a spoil sport, Fenris." She stood, keeping her gaze level with his.

"Leave." His voice was deep and gravelly, emotion making it rough.

"Does it hurt?"

He was done playing her game. "Compared to what was done to me in Minrathous, anything you have done, anything you could do, is nothing, it is like a drop of water in an ocean."

"I shall have to try harder then."

He took a step forward and wrapped his fingers around her throat. He pushed her against the wall behind her, but just held her still, didn't squeeze. "You're little pet isn't here, Tia, you best be careful."

She smirked, "You think Anders wouldn't raze the whole city to the ground for me?"

"I think he's not nearly as blind as you think he is."

Still smirking she slid her fingers into his hair; she pulled him close and kissed him. He hesitated, almost pulling away for moment before relaxing into the kiss. As she felt his body move close to hers, she pulled her dagger free of her belt as slowly and silently as she could. His tongue danced along hers in her mouth and she remembered that taste, remembered the passion behind his kiss.

She let herself remember that night, remember all that she had felt when they had finally stopped their dance and had become lovers. When she felt his hand release her throat and move to cup her face she stuck. She shoved the dagger into his gut and yanked upwards viciously.

He pulled back shock in his eyes. He coughed and clutched at his gut. "What…why? Why Tia?" his words choked and garbled through his pain.

She pushed him away from her and he fell back. She strode over him and walked to the door. She paused and turned to him. "Are you sorry you ever met me yet?" She left him there, bleeding on the filthy floor of that dark little closet.


End file.
